Chess Addict

Addicted to Chess You are addicted to chess if: • you bump into someone or something and say “J’adoube.” And you don’t even know French. • you set up a chess set with salt and pepper shakers and food items when you sit at a checkered tablecloth. • you calculate 8×8 faster than 7×7. • navigate like a knight on the sidewalk – one block up and two blocks over. • you have more chess clocks than watches or normal clocks. • you use the chess clock as a kitchen timer. • you buy the biggest, fastest, most expensive computer and monitor just to play blitz chess. • mate, mating positions, exposed bishops, and forking the queen have nothing to do with sex. • you take a chess set and chess book to the bathroom, and forget to go to the bathroom. And if you do go, you count all 32 pieces on your magnetic chessboard before flushing and panic if you flushed, then discover a piece missing. • you meet someone, your first question is, “What’s your rating?” • every week you downloaded every game from The Week in Chess • you buy a newspaper only if it has a chess column in it. • you still think Bobby Fischer alive and well • you have more chess books than any other book or magazine combined. • the Olympics has always been every two years. • you spot the chessboard set up wrong in every movie with a chess scene. • you name any of your pets Fischer, Tal, Karpov, Kasparov, Fritz, Chess (not Checkers) or Alekhine. • your favorite movie is “Searching for Bobby Fischer” or “Knight Moves.” • you have checkered underwear with “It’s your move” on the front. • your spouse has a t-shirt that says “Fool’s Mate.” • have a crush on Irina Krush. • your favorite snack is Pepperidge Farm’s Chessmen cookies and chess pie. • you have the “Chessplayers make better mates” bumper sticker on your car. • you know what BCO, ECO, MCO, NCO, PCO, UCO all mean and have all these books. • you ask an attractive (or any) girl if she plays chess and what her rating is before you ask her out for a date. And if it didn’t work out, you explain the two of you were “like bishops of opposite color.” • you end your letters and email with “P.S. 1.e4″ hoping to start a game. • you take a test, and 5 minutes before you run out of time, you mentally tell yourself that your flag is about to fall on your analog clock, • you vacation in St Louis just to see the chess hall of fame. • you go to any Barnes & Noble in the world and know exactly where all the chess books are located. • when the cashier says, “Check?” you wink and say “mate.” • you have a chess logo on your letterhead or shirt. • you play cards blindfolded. • you use chessboard cufflinks and tie clips or have a chess-theme tie that you wear. • you only vote in USCF elections. • you have a coffee mug that has chess pieces on it. • you go to a chess tournament and can’t wait in saying “Look at those chess nuts boasting by an open foyer.” • you look for three other friends to play bug-house. • you have used any of these aliases while on the Internet: Buttvinik, Caissa, Gata, Bobby Fischer, Fritz 2000, IvanCheck, Polgar, Jadoube, Kapablanca, KnightStalker, KibitzandBlitz, KnightRider, Pawnographer, Philidork, Queenforker, Rookie Player, Roy Lopez, Topalove, TarraschCan, Zukertort, KillerMate, the Turk • you have played the ghost of Geza Maroczy or challenged God with pawn odds. • you own a Harry Potter or Civil War chess set. • you have played in over 100 chess tournaments all your life and have almost made $100 in return. But you still enter the next chess tournament. • you have played over 1,000 blitz games of chess online. • you stayed up all night playing blitz chess online, and was too tired to go to school or work the next day. • all of your browser bookmarks are chess servers and chess sites • when someone looks at your car and asks you what engine you got, you reply “Rybka or Fritz or Stockfish.” • when asked what other languages you can read, you say you are fluent in descriptive, algebraic, and figurine algebraic notation, with some knowledge in Forsythe. • you think chess is a sport. (Come on – if Stephen Hawking can do it, it’s not a sport). • you play blitz chess or blindfold chess with yourself. • when asked who your favorite composer is, you respond “Pal Benko or Alexei Trotsky, although Cheron and Cook were not bad.” • you have read all of this. And didn’t laugh! -Bill Wall (chess addict) Be Sociable, Share!