Chess Limericks

Chess Limericks

There once was a man from Maine,

Who played chess on a fast train.

He took a move back

And was thrown off the track,

And he never played chess again.

There once was a lady named Flo,

Who liked to mate, you know;

When someone castled long,

She helped along,

and would say, “O – O – O.”

There once was a man named Maloney,

Who always played the Benoni.

But his counterattack,

failed to a sac;

And his Benoni was just baloney.

There once was a lady in the nude,

Who played chess with some dude;

She announced to her date,

She was ready to mate,

But her meaning was quite misconstrued.

There was a young fellow named Fyfe,

Whose marriage was ruined for life,

For he played chess all day

and was always away,

and avoided mating his wife.

There was a young lady named Mable

Who played chess on a very big table,

When she played against a man,

she always began,

“Try to mate me if you are able.”

There once was a chess player named Nate,

Was anything but sedate;

When moving to win,

He broadly would grin,

And bellow: “That’s check – and mate!”

There once was a lady with one ambition,

To win chess under any condition.

But to this date

She has yet to mate

She just can’t find the right position.

There once was a Grandmaster named Browne,

Who always wore a perpetual frown;

As he played blitz against Dzindzi,

The crowd got all cringy,

He said just one word, that was, “DOWN!”

There’s something chess computers lack;

It’s not that they know how to attack;

They can fork and pin;

They may lose, more often win.

But they just will never talk back.

Postal chess is still being played today,

And there’s no reason why I shouldn’t play.

It is nice and slow,

And I can use my ECO,

It’s the postage I can’t afford to pay.

This has happened to you, I bet.

You bring your chess set and didn’t forget.

Then you notice with shock

You have a broken chess clock,

And a piece is missing from the set.

The USCF rating system is inflated,

But the lower rated players are elated.

They can lose every game,

But their rating stays the same,

Or even become higher elevated.

A chess board of a new design

that prevents an early resign.

With a different king

On either wing

The board must be 9 by 9.

There once was a strong chess master

Who moved faster and faster,

But he couldn’t wait

To find a mate

So his games were always a disaster.

There once was a lady with big tits

Who played a match with Deep Fritz;

She tried to distract

By showing her rack

But got mated instead in blitz.

There once was a famous chess café

Where famous players came to play.

They paid a franc;

Played chess and drank.

And got checkmated all day.

There once was a blind man in jail,

Who beat everyone at chess without fail.

He recorded his moves,

With little grooves,

By writing everything in Braille.

There once was a player named Bob

Who was fired from his job.

He played chess at work

With some known jerk

Who always beat Bob with the Grob.